2019-08-28 🕐 15 mins Thoughts
You are meeting somebody. Maybe some friends. Maybe a date. Maybe your partner. Maybe a group of people you have recently started to hang out with. The first hours go by and you are having fun. You get to a point where the situation cools down. The connection level with the others decreases. You are still talking and laughing, but it doesn't fill you in the same way past occasions did.
You start feeling you could be doing something else, that you could be making better use of your time. Dedicate a couple of hours to that personal project you are postponing or unnecessary extending over time. Maybe finish the book you are reading. Maybe go to gym. Maybe start your novelist career. You try to forget about the feeling and focus in the moment. You put a bit more emphasis in restoring the synergy between you and the people who you are with.
Another hour goes by and you realize that all of you are tired or your minds are somewhere else. This is not the way you had pictured the afternoon. You decide to go back home and make use of the rest of the day. It is 19:00 on a Saturday. Maybe there is much time left before it gets dark. Maybe the sun has already set a while ago. Anyway, you are on time to focus and start the good work.
Your brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate however. You arranged an activity for tomorrow. Maybe going to an amusement park. Maybe a barbecue. Maybe having launch with your partner's family. In any case, your mind is now busy quantifying how lazy this commitment makes you feel. You are foreseeing you will get home late, exhausted and, once more, to realize the weekend has just flew by and you still in the same point you were the previous Sunday.
Even if you would manage to allocate some time to your project now, you wouldn't progress enough. The few time slots you find on a monthly basis are not enough to complete your project. Also, based in the assumption that you could overcome the laziness now, your energy levels are way below the ones you need to work properly on it. No. Definitely today is not the day. You give in to the impotence feeling and spend the rest of the day playing videogames or watching the latest Netflix TV show.
You feel the time is running out and you don't get to make anything transcendent with your life. It's an overwhelming situation but it is not your fault you feel like that. You take mental notes and you decide the next weekend will be the one. Next weekend you will fully commit to your personal projects.
Damn. Next weekend is the mountain excursion you arranged a month ago. Is not that you don't feel like going. In fact, you are eager to go. But you wonder when you will have time for yourself. Why do stars align and you never get to find the space you need to work on your ambitions? You have so much to contribute to the world...
The afternoon has passed almost unnoticed. If you don't start cooking dinner soon you will go to bed late and tomorrow you will feel tired all day. But, what does it matter? You seem not to have any power over the course of events. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't have energy. Is not fair. Fuck tomorrow's tiredness.
You call a takeaway and order dinner. If this is the only free time you will have, you will not spend it cooking and doing the dishes. You watch another episode of the TV show while you wait for the pizza. The food takes it's time. There is a bunch of people out there in the same situation you are, and restaurants can't handle it. You end up going to bed later than you expected and wondering where have all your free hours gone.
"That is enough! You need to focus", you tell yourself again. Over next week you will start shaping some drastic measures to get the control of your life back. Maybe canceling the Netflix subscription. Maybe unrolling the taekwondo lessons. Maybe dumping your partner. Whatever it is, you will find a responsible for your lack of organization.
If you've ever felt like this, welcome to the real world. All of us have days in which procrastination takes over and we don't find the energy to do anything. I'm finishing the post by analizing some of the sensations I've described. Maybe you will remember something in your next existential injustice episode and it will help you to worry less about it. Maybe you will have forgotten everything by tomorrow. Maybe you have stopped reading a while ago. In any case, here come the thoughts.
1) Even if you would manage to dedicate some time to your project now, you wouldn't progress enough. Don't worry about the final goal. Whichever your project is, you chose it because you like it or because you learn while working on it. Maybe you won't become the next Michael Phelps, but if you enjoy it, go swimming whenever you can and forget about the rest.
You can also try lowering the expectations you have put on it. Assume that you will complete the project below the standards you had set. Often the feeling of not being able to make enough progress comes when the goal seems to hard to reach. Search for a way to achieve it in a simpler manner (keep the Metallica songs for later and settle with the base of a U2 simple one for now).
Maybe you will be able to finish it in a simplified shape. Afterwards, if you are not happy enough with the result, you can always keep working on it to reach the original goal. You might also realise that you are happy without the excelence level you were chasing in first place. Anyway, completing a goal will give you a motivation boost and will make you feel good regardless its size.
2) Your energy levels are way below the ones you need to work properly on it. Nobody is regular. Probably today's work won't be the best one you will have ever made. But it will help you unlocking the current stage of the project, which is making you lazier than other stages (otherwise, you wouldn't be staring at the sky now trying to find the power of will to work on it). Keep progressing with the project and, if needed, you will apply the corresponding corrections when you feel more inspired.
3) You feel the time is running out and you don't get to make anything transcendent with your life. Sometimes this feeling is caused more by not having clear which goals are really transcendent and worth chasing rather than not being able to progress with a specific one. Think whether it makes you feel realized to work on the project you have in mind, whether it makes you happy or not. Go for a walk alone and don't come back home until you find the answer. Or, at least, until you cleared your mind a bit.
That's all for today 👍 See you in the next post!